Ride Em Cowgirl

Maybe I'm just getting way too into this new Madonna reincarnation as a flannel clad, bull-riding, two-stepping, honky tonk cowgirl, but it's enough to make me kick up my heels and let loose a healthy yee-haw.

Back in the day, Girl Friday was no stranger to riding on the range where the clouds and the buffalo roamed. Yes, indeedy, the smell of sweaty leather, the heavy spurs, the cockily tipped Stetson and the nonchalant slouch was enough to make a Marlboro mama out of me. Though my ranch riding days are long over, catch a bit of the ghetto-fabulous, Dale Evans whimsy and whip out your gear to ride your wild bull till the cows come home.

After a quick and informal survey of the cowgirls and boys in my ranch, it seems that the draw of the cowgirl is equal parts Jack Palance-style control, studied cool and absolute willingness to own a whip and use it.

First, you'll need to channel your inner cowgirl. Find your favorite cowgirl hat and perch it over your eye ever so seductively. Put on your tightest jeans and let it hug your body the way that only broken-in denim can. Hook your thumbs into your belt loops and practice your cowgirl cool. Try the I'm-too-cool-to-say-more-than-one-syllable "Hey."

When you've managed to harness that certain cowgirl je ne sais quoi, it's time to rope you a cowboy to ride, little lady. Swagger your way over to your nearest cowpoke and get ready to break him like the willful colt that he is.

It's all about attitude, so make sure that yours is all over you like butter. Remember dolls, you're beautiful, sexy and not taking no for an answer. Like any cowgirl worth her weight in hay, you'll need to bring your ropes with you. Take your prey by surprise, wrangle him down, straddle him and tie him up. You'll need to do this quickly lest he get loose before you're ready. Once you've accomplished task one, it's time to move onto the fun parts. Texas two step for all you are worth and strip like a pro. If you're feeling especially frisky, put on your favorite country classics and I guarantee the song "Rawhide" will take on a whole new meaning. Be seductive, be bold, be naughty. Unzip your cowgirl jeans slowly, unbutton your cowgirl shirt. Caress your cowgirl breasts. But, don't forget, you can leave your hat on.

By this point, your stallion will be champing at the bit for a piece of his favorite cowgirl. Of course, since he's been such a good horsie, you'll want to give him a treat whether that's a nice tongue wetting or a sugar cube. After all, there's nothing worse than an unprepared horse.

After making sure he's rough and ready, straddle him and break him. Remember to sit your ride deep in your saddle. As your thrusting becomes more strenuous, you can attempt to put the professional bullriders to shame by holding on with one hand and letting your other fly over your head with reckless abandon. That's what bull riding is all about. Of course, it's important to remember that all the best cowgirls whoop it up and make some noise. Don't let this thrilling ride go by without commemorating it with your best yee-haw!

Till next week, trot with the best of them.

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